The Discworld story below is interactive. By adding your part below the story
can evolve. Please be sensible and do not use abusive or foul language.
Feel free to use any of the Discworld characters and locations you know.
OK then, are we all sitting down. Then lets begin.
The Puzzling Letter
Rincewind was returning to the Unseen University after spending the day
in Ankh-Morph trying to locate some ingredients for a new spell.
The Librarian greeted Rincewind upon his arrival at the University by
delivering a letter (with the aid of some banana skins ornately shaped
into an aircraft type object). Rincewind dusted himself down and picked
up the letter. It was addressed to Prince Rincewind (strange Rincewind
thought) at the Unseen University. As Rincewind began to the open the
letter, two eyes and a mouth appeared on the envelope and the letter began
to speak.
Rincewind: “It’s over to you lot now. Here’s hoping!!!!”
“Are you Rincewind?”, the letter asked. Rincewind thought about this for a moment. A deep rooted instinct of self preservation prevented him from replying “yes” to this particular question. It was the sort of question asked by policemen, head teachers and assassins in Rincewind’s experience, and he wasn’t too sure which of these he hated the most. On the other hand, lawyers also asked this question when trying to find next of kin to inherit vast quantities of wealth. And vast wealth meant potatoes – lots and lots of potatoes… “I’m Rincewind.” said Rincewind. There was a flash of light and a puff of smoke usually only associated with cheap magic shows. A pair of pointy slippers sat smouldering on the floor. There was a prominent gap above them where Rincewind wasn’t… 5
On another part of the disc, somewhere near the Hub, however, this was totally irrelivant as a totally dazed inept wizard awoke really unaware of his name let alone his current location. “where the he…”, the sentence hung in the air incomplete, as a putrid grubby hand clasped itself over Rincewinds’ mouth, “shut your racket, do you want em to see us”, without causing too much pain, for a man of Rincewinds stature pain was a friend he new well, you could say they were drinking buddies, obviously not in Ank-Morpork for the concept of being friends with any person you drink with was un-none, if somebody bought you a drink there had to be an alteria motive, which usually included violence, deceit, depravity or if you were luck all three. The face that Rincewind was currently gapeing at belonged to the most hideouse creature he had ever seen, well apart from that night when he got really drunk and stumbled into a troll bar, where unfortunately he became very amourous with the bar maid, but he had tried hard to block that from his memory. This, he believed, was a woman, there were the usual bumps you associated with a women, in the basic locations, some a little lower than the norm, but Rincewing made a concerted effort not to contemplate what was beneath the colourless garb she wore. “Your not from round these parts”, the voice married well with the appearence before him, harsh and full, “you could say you was a stranger”, Rincewind was amazed, the interlect made this being complete, it took him back to his student days at the unseen University, the students all came on a parr with this women, “I must be home”, he thought. 8
The smell was truely unrivalled, even as a child running home to tea Rincewind never remembered anything his mother cooked smelling so bad. The smell came from the general direction above his head, he presumed personal hygiene was not one of this woman’s key thoughts in life, but from the size of the knife currently making his way towards his throat, Rincewind presumed that violence was. “You’re in big trouble know”, came the voice again, then Rincewind remembered, he still held the letter. “Was that you”, he asked, “well it ain’t God again, if that’s what yers thinkin”, grammah was not one of the letters good points. “Yer think’s you could stop squeezin me so tight, you obviously no nothing about my biology, at this moment in time you’re cancelling any chancec of me having any special deliveries, if yer knows what I means”, Rincewind loosened his grasp but did not let go. 9
Menwhile, on the other side of the Discworld, St Unguland was talking to Angus. ” Angus, Angus- Look there’s a Pyramid walking about onnn leeeegssss.!!! Onn Legggsssss!!!! He was then killed
And then the cheese exploded. 10
Duri ng this time, when the cheese exploded, Rincewind saw ,not to mention the stinking cheese on his nose, the Death of Rats scooting across the floor with a large plate. 11
Then the Death of Rats exploded
“Why is everything exploding?” Rincewind asked himself, then he exploded. 12
Well, rather just momentaraly flashed with a shimering of octarine light before vanishing. Rincewind once again found himself standing in front of the unseen university. ‘o damn’ said a voice from just below him. He looked down and saw the letter. ‘I knew I wouldn’t work’
‘What’ exclaimed Rincewind. ‘Me’ squeeked the letter, ‘I just knew I wouldn’t work. I was brought back into existance as a joke, you see.
The bursar decided it would be marginally amusing to see if he could vanish you to some far off land. So he, er did some hocus pocus wot not and, er brought me back in this letter to, er vanish you. But, as I say didn’t work, got no magic now you see.’ Rincewind looked down on the letter like it was an idiot child. ‘this is about as confusing as that thing Dibler tried to sell me once, them pages of numbered paragraphs, something about keeping it going.’ ‘Oh and by the way Rincewind I’d like to thank you, death really showed me the error of my ways, I was finally able to see from your lots point of view. Amazing really just what a half brick in a sock can do for a life. I’ve now changed my name to pound note.’ ‘Oh my gods it’s you gasped Rincewind before fainting. 13
Mean while the death of deaths appeared inside the unseen university totally out of his skull. 14
He dragged his Scythe allong the floor behind him, walking towards Rincewinds room to discover the horrible fate of the exploding death of rats and the wizard. Well thats what Rincewind told his friends his occupation was.
15
BLAST moaned Death, not particularly ready for odorous chunks of exploded cheese in his state, and certainly not prepared for the imminent explosion of his mouse-like partner. I ESPECIALLY HATE IT WHEN SOMEBODY BEATS ME TO THE SCENE OF A PROPER DEATH. Studying the crumpled form of Rincewind at his feet, Death sniffed and said: DRESSED AS A WIZARD, EH? THE OTHER WIZARDS PROBABLY BLEW HIM UP FOR ACTING AS AN IMPOSTOR. Shrugging, Death quickly readied his scythe. His friend The Death Of Rats was now mere particles, but Death had a job to do and it was no time to be crying. To say that Death was a bit callous is to say the Sahara Desert is a little dry. 16
Still, Death reasoned, there was a job to do. There was always a job to do.
SQUEAK?
Death looked down. The Death of Rats put his head on one side and preened a white whisker in a puzzled manor.
YES. I’M AFRAID SO.
The rat scratched his head, making a sound not unlike a pool cue being chalked.
SQUEAK?
IT WAS A RATHER LARGE EXPLOSION, THOUGH. AND YOU DID GET CAUGHT RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE.
The tiny skeletal rodent’s shoulders sagged. The fall was remarkable, the tiny figure move from the hrizontal to the vertical in one smooth backwards movement. His tiny scythe clattered to the ground.
Death would have rolled his eyes.
OH GOOD GRIEF. DO GET UP. He nudged the robed figure with a white toe., which got up and shook its head violently. Various unseen bones rattled like dice. The Death of Rats rubbed his head carefully with one paw.
SQUEAK SQUEAK.
DON’T WORRY. I’M SURE ALBERT WILL HAVE AN ICE PACK OR SOMETHING.
“Um, excuse me?”
Death turned. Standing in a now rather tattered wizards outfit, slightly smoke stained and looking very worried, was Rincewind.
Death fix him with an appropriate stare.
YES?
“Ah,” Rincewind wasn’t quite sure how to the broach the subject.
“You are Death, aren’t you?” he asked a seven foot skeleton with blazing blue eyes holding a scythe.
YES – BRAVO. TEN OUT OF TEN FOR OBSERVATION.
“Only, I didn’t die in that explosion, did I?”
Death’s eyes flared briefly. It was turning into a trying day – Rincewind had never been on time for his death before, and Death hated to be kept waiting. But trying to jump the queue was a new experience altogther.
I WOULD SAY THAT, GIVEN YOUR CURRENT STATE, THE ANSWER WAS OBVIOUS.
Rincewind would have panicked. Only, being currently detached in some way from his body, he didn;t have the appropriate glands. He had to content himself with thinking panicked instead.
“But I only bloodly well fainted!”, he screeched.
YES, BUT YOUR BURSAR HAS NEVER HAD A TERRIBLY GOOD GRIP ON THINGS – HAS HE?
The bloody Bursar, Rincewind fumed to himself. While his own death was an idea currently holding centre stage in the delapidated playhouse of Rincewind’s mind, revenge was now trying to sidle on in the hope of a bit part. It liked the look of the script.
Rinc ewind glanced briefly at the huge, silver harnessed charger that was currently mucnching contendly at a nose bag.
“Your horse?”, he asked as nonchelantly as possible.
Revenge was now well on it’s way towards it’s first big break.
YES.
“Fast, is it?”
FAST ENOUGH.
“Oh, good.”
SQUEAK SQUEAK?
Death looked round.
The Death of Rats, who, being a rodent, thought rather more like Rincewind than Death himself, saw what was coming next.
In a blur of movement, Rincewind exploded away from a standing start and vaulted into the harness, grabbing the reins as he did so. Binky, who up until then had been enjoying a quiet meal, suddenly found himself with a small bundle of frenetic kicks and leap sitting on his back. As is already well known, Binky was no ordinary horse – but there are ceratin things horses don’t like. And one of those things is someone they don’t know kicking them in the ribs. People who do know them kick them in the ribs too, but thats different. It’s called horse riding. What Rincewind was doing was the horsey equivalent of GBH and Binky wasn’t having any of that. In one instinctive moment he reared and bucked.
Horse and alledged rider vanished an a flare of octarine.
The Death of Rats and the Death of Absolutely Everything Else looked at each other.
BUGGER.
SQUEAK.
YES – BUT WE’LL BE ABLE TO CATCH UP WITH THEM LATER. ANYWAY, HE’S A GOOD HORSE.
SQUEAK?
NO, BINKY. YOU’LL BE JOINED MYSELF AND ALBERT BACK AT THE HOUSE, THEN?
SQUEAK.
VERY WELL, I’M SURE HE HAS SOME ACCEPTABLE CHEESE SOMEHWERE
SQUEAK
OH, I FORGOT. SORRY.
Both figure disappeared in another flare of octarine.
17
Rincewind and Binky appeared in Mid air yet not together, more about 10 metres apart “Oh bugger” said Rincewind 18
As Rincewind started to fall he saw that Deaths horse was not falling. He
thought this was because of belief, the horse was believing that it was on
solid ground. This theory is completely wrong! But as Rincewind did not
know this he started Chanting the words “I Believe I’m on solid ground”.
This of course did not work!! Rincewind noticed below him there was an
octorine glow. As he plummeted closer to it he realised it was a field of
octorine grass (this grass is a side-affect of the ground being saturated with
raw magic causing the balances of time and space to rock). Anything could
happen in the next 3 seconds if he collides with it!!!
At about this time Rincewind’s ‘Mobile Travel Accessory’ The Luggage!
Realised that Rincewind his master had GONE instead of his master being
in front of him outside The UU there was just the gates of the Unseen
University. Luggage quickly found his bearings of where his master was.
He now started to build up on his small legs as he charged towards the
Thick, Giant, Black gates made completely of octiron. He gathered up all
the magic in his Sapient Pearwood and mumbled some words under his lid.
A black hole like void opened in the gates just before Luggage jumped and
disappeared through the void…..
The Luggage, also known across the Discworld as “Oh shit, oh noooooo, arrrrgh!”, had a phenomenal homing instinct similar to that of a pigeon – the obvious differences being that not many pigeons appear to carry three hundred weight of gold and can clean washing. Those that can seem to have the good sense to keep quiet about it.
This being said, the Luggage also had a relatively well sense of self preservation for a travel accessory, so when it plummeted out of a clear blue sky towards the shimmering, rolling and above all flat landscape of the Ramtops it had already decided where it was going to land.
Rincewind yelled as a hundred pounds of sapient pearwood and brass fittings landed in the small of his back. He rolled around shouting various loud and colourful phrases that, due to the vast accumulations of standing magic, took on a physical form. Rincewind’s language was colourful; mostly green with purple spots and at least six legs. The Luggage arranged itself into what could have been construed as a contrite pose. Rincewind considered kicking the chest, but an ominous creak convinced him that this might have been a bad move. Owned or not, Rincewind had a suspicion that the Luggage held grudges and may come to haunt him should he ever find someone nuts enough to buy a collection of knotholes, legs and enough homicidal tendancies to keep criminal physcologists in work for a lifetime. 20
psychologists too 21
(A note from one the authors)
One of the most annyoing things in the enitre multiverse – more annoying than your mother asking you to tidy your room, more annoying than those little exploding pots of milk your find on trains – is having your spelling corrected by a perfec t stranger.
Bugger.
And with that, back to the plot. 22
Meanwhile somewhere in Ankh-Morpork:
Ok. There was a clue. A very fine clue. Commander Sir Samuel Vimes looked at the corpse. He must be dead. Murdered by someone…
HI said DEATH. “Oh. Hello Mister. Did you see anybody, who murdered this man ?” UM, WELL, I THINK I`VE SEEN SOMETHING… 23
Commander Sir Samuel Vimes scowled at Death, suspiciously. A bony guy
in balck rope, carrying a shraply keen scythe wanted to provide the Watch infomation concerning the Death of another unknown gullibe. By the smell of the rope, something unimagineable dead and maybe unwashed, an idea did suggested itself.
“Ain’t you the reaper man working down-town?”
“YES I WAS, TILL THE FARM ONCE BURNED DOWN TO THE GROUND, AND I WAS IN IT FOR OFFLER’S SAKE.”
‘Ah,’ said Vimes knowingly, the Guild of Firefighters was it – we’ve had awful problems with them.
I KNOW.
‘How do y-‘ managed Vimes before he exploded too.
OH YES, I FORGOT – I WAS GOING TO TELL YOU HOW THIS GUY DIED. ITS ALL THESE LANDMINES SOMEONE HAS DROPPED ALL OVER THE TOWN. IT DOESN’T
LOOK LIKE YOU’RE IN A FIT STATE TO FIND WHO DID IT NOW, UNFORTUNATELY,I’M TERRIBLY SORRY.
‘So why did that guy look like he had been murdered?’
A VERY CLEVER CHAP THE INVENTOR OF THESE LAND MINES – THAT’S WHY VETINARY KEEPS HIM LOCKED UP – HE MAKES LAND MINES TO LOOK LIKE THE PERSON WHO STEPS ON THEM HAS BEEN MURDERED.
‘Excuse me, but now I’m free of all my mortal bonds I can see that I’m part of a rather strange story and I was just wondering why all the major and brilliant characters are being killed off – is it a hint to the author or something.’
I’M AFRAID I CAN’T ANSWER THAT.
‘And what was that bit about the Bursar up there? I thought he was insane – not really the type of person who bothers with little jokes – and anyway he’s a bursar, not a wizard, surely?’
I BELIEVE IT WAS POETIC LISCENCE, OR WHATEVER IT IS FOR WRITERS, SO THAT THE TITLE WOULD MAKE SENSE – IT WAS ALL TO DO WITH LANDMINES, REALLY.
The roof above Vimes rattled as a dirty flee-ridden alley cat came out of hiding and jumped off the roof, landed perfectly on its feet and investigated an object nearby which looked like a loose pebble. Hewalked around it in a circle, sniffed it, peered closer at it…
Boom! The cat exploded.
‘There are still a lot of things I don’t understand,’ said Vimes.
ALL WILL BECOME CLEAR SOON, answered Death [hoping that the next conributer would come up with something], as they walked together back to the UU – he still had some work to finish there.
Elsewhere in the city of Ankh Morpork a garbage can clattered. A cat scampered out from behind it and sped off. Gaspode ran out from behind the bin and chased it.
‘Go on, clear off! Bloody cats, they’re all the same.’ Shouted Gaspode.
He stopped at the end of the alley and watched the cat run off along Short Street. As the cat got to a flower shop it exploded, showering the pink carnations with purple, red and brown entrails.
Gaspode trotted back down the alley.
‘That’ll teach ’em.’
Suddenly he heard footsteps, and darted into a near-by cardboard box.
‘Buggrit. Millenium hand and shrimp.’
‘What’s up Ron?’ Asked Arnold Sideways.
‘My kipper’s in the cabinet eating blancmange.’
Coughing Henry tried to laugh. It came out more like the wheeze of a man who was sucking on the exhaust pipe of a car.
‘Just leave him,’ said Duckman. ‘You know what he’s like when he’s in one of his moods.’
Gaspode peaked out of his box and looked at the strange crowed that was gathered in front of him. The duck saw him and began to quack loudly.
Gaspode glared evily.
The duck exploded.
The beggars were all thrown into the piles of rubbish that lined the sides of the alley, all except for Duckman that is, who wandered around completely oblivious to the huge explosion that had just happened on top of his head.
‘Oh my God!’ Cried Arnold Sideways from inside an old shopping trolley that had been abandoned. ‘Duckman, your duck’s exploded!’
‘What duck?’ 27
Rincewind screamed”Oh no not again you bastards your not fooling me,All gods are pure bastards!
A lightning bolt from the skies narrowly missed his ear! 28
You Bastard the camel looked quizzically at Rincewind. If he had had a few more brain cells he would have been trying to figure out how he had managed to fool the small wizard just by spitting at a desert rat. But he didn’t, so instead he chewed a cactus and watched the clouds form into pictures from his family photo album. 29
and what a photo albumn it was. 30
(And what a family it was). 31
There was his father Jack The Cripple, his mum Lilly The Large, his Grandfather Gramps and his brother and sister Gary and MudBucket*. Oh they were an ugly lot!
*MudBucket so called because the daugther of a man crippled by a turkey must be named by the first thing the crippled man sees. 32
All of a Sudden Death arrived on Binky, which made Duckman jump over a bush and landed in a big pile of roast duck with a hint of orange sauce which he then ploncked on his head. 33
“Ere Death old mate what you doing ere?” asked Rincewind.
OH SAME OLD THING DOING THE DUTY answered Death
“Oh really who is it this time?”
YOU!
“Uh-oh!” 34
‘But I thought I was already dead!’ Exclaimed Rincewind. ‘Haven’t you been following this story?’
AH, YES. SORRY. MY FAULT. SLIGHT CLERICAL ERROR IT SEEMS. YOU’RE NOT ACTUALLY DEAD YET. HOWEVER, NOW…
‘I’m not dead?’ Asked Rincewind. ‘You know I thought I wasn’t turning the right shade of blue. Hey! Look! That man’s got Duck a l’orange on his head!’
REALLY?! Death whipped his head round and gazed at Duckman who was wondering where the orange smell was coming from. Then he paused and realised his stupidity. When he turned back Rincewind had vanished.
BUGGER!
35
As you know Rincewind can run faster than the wind and even before Death had turned his head Rincewind was nearly out of the city. 36
Rincewind stopped a a litle cross road to take a breather but was splattered to the floor by the luggage who had been following him! 37
He prised open the lid of the luggage and found a small pile of bones “oh no, you didn’t did you?” 38
Rincewind thought hard and decided that yes, the luggage would probably attempt it! Knowing this he promptly jumped on the luggage and shouted ‘Giddy Up, I need more Potatoes’ He and the luggage disappeared over the hill going in the direction of Djelibeybi. 39
In a large forest going by the name of Skund, a little gnome called Barry was upset. He had been searching all day for rabbit droppings, and hadn’t found a single one. He was now sitting by a lake, grumbling.
‘mumblemumblemumblenobloomindroppinsmumblemumble’.
The water at the side of the lake sloshed nearby. ‘mumblemumblemumblegonnabloominstarvenowmumblemumble.’
The sloshing grew louder, and more rhythmic.
‘mumblemumblemumblehavetoeatmyownnowmumblemumble.’
Suddenly, a large figure appeared. One moment he was’nt there, the next he was.
‘mumblemumblemumbleshouldtastebetterthoughmumblemumble. Eh?’
The figure walked forwards out of the water. He stared at his own shadow for a while.
‘Hmmm. Bloody tides again,’ he said, in a voice like crab-infested seaweed. He dripped onto the shore a little.
‘mumblemumblebloodyhellit’sabiggunmadeofwatermumblemumble.’
‘Oh well, better than short, anyway,’ said the huge figure. He glanced at the undergrowth for a moment, having heard a rustle and the fading sound of running feet.
He sighed.
‘This place is boring,’, said the water troll, aloud.
He glanced South, coincidentally in the direction of Djelibeybi.
‘Time to move on.’
He stood, dripping, and thought for a moment.
‘Maybe somewhere dry,’ said Tethis.
And he went forth. 40
“I wander what happen’s now” thought Rinswind “I mean there’s no way
that death himself could be dead could there. But I bet he’s going to
be realy mad when he gets back to his normal self.”
Rinswind tapped on the luggages lid and it opened up revealing his
clothes in a pile. “All right now spit him out” 41
A little further off, a shadowy figure observed Rincewind with calculated interest. She occasionally glanced at the Luggage as well, with a mixed expression of rage and pure terror.
In the deeply twisted and unfortunately female mind of Herrena the Henna-Haired Harridan, plotting went about its daily business.
That is, it stayed in bed, only getting up to eat or use the bathroom. 42
Rincewind felt sick he hated cheese. “YUCH” Said Rincewind , “mozerella” 43
Not quite at the same time in a not so completely different place*, Archancellor Ridcully felt his pockets for some tobacco, “damn,” he muttered, “out of tobacco again.” And he marched towards the high energy facility.
* The UU to be precise
“Okay Adrian, throw the GBL!”
HEX clicked and hummed, and an egg timer appeared. The ants started to walk towards the ram skulls. Hex wrote:
+++++++++++++
OUT OF CHEESE
ERROR AT ADDRESS 42 SYBIL STREET
RENDEZVOUS WITH THE GHOST OF ENDLESS STREET AT LUNCHTIME
+++++++++++++
“Endless street?” Muttered ponder
“Ah, Mister Stibbons.”
Ponder didn’t look round.
“Sorry Archancellor, It appears that their is not enough bugs in Hex”
“Never mind that blasted thinking engine machine thingy, I need more tobacco.”
“Why don’t you send that Rincewind?”
“Good idea” said Ridcully, and exploded
“Bloody landmines they are a menace to society” said Mad Drongo,
“I know,” said Ponder, “but they do have their good points”
Then he exploded.
And where was Rincewind? 45
Rincewind was currently travelling on the Luggages back somewhere on the Morpork
Mountains, South East of Ankh Morpork. The mountains were cold and slippery but
the Luggage could easily handle the snow and ice. They were about 200 ft above sea
level and ascending one of the tallest mountains. A large tree loomed over the Horizon,
It had apples on it, Rincewind climbed off the Luggages back, and stepped onto the cold
snowy floor. He looked around to see if anyone was about then walked up to the tree
and kicked it hard. He turned round and began to march back to the luggage when
there was a muffled thump behind him. He turned slowly dreading to see what horror
lay behind him. There under the branches of the tree, was a 1 pound weight. He
looked at it for sometime, waiting for it to do something horrible and violent. It did
nothing. Rincewind began to slide, everything appeared to be tilting and wobbling.
“Oh bugger” said Rincewind outloud.
He fell over and slid into the luggage. The Luggages legs flayed around on the Ice
for a few seconds then it collapsed and spun slowly down the mountain taking
Rincewind with him.
Rincewind vaguely remebered one of the Lectures from his University days a
lecture that did not take place in Room 3b. It was abou the Balancing monks and their
belief that the Discworld would wobble if not balanced properly. No one questions
whether this were true or not. The weights were always found in highly inaccessible
places in trees on or mountainous regions. It is strictly forbidden to move these
weights, incase their belief is entirely true, which unfortunatly for Rincewind and the
rest of the Discworld, is.
Rincewind awoke.
Two dark figures were looming over him.
Good word that, looming, thought Rincewind.
Very onnoma……teppic…… 47
Rincewind got out of bed, and scratchet his ginger beard. He climbed out of bed and moved over to the window, being carful not to stub his morning wood on the bedpost. He opened the window and was shocked to see DEATH outside.
‘HELLO’ Death said
‘IT IS TIME’
Rincewind looked puzzled, his stomach gurggled as the previous nights curry begun to make itself remembered. Rincewind bent over and unleasehed a mighty blast, his ring burnt with every second. DEATH looked disgusted, and held the place the where his nose should be. The DEATH of Rats emerged from Rincewind’s, now very red Bumhole. The Stench was far worse than the river Ankh.
DEATH spotted the DEATH of Rats and Said:
AHH I THOUGHT YOU HAD A DEAD RAT UP YOUR ARSE 48
Once Rincewind had regained consciousness, DEATH said
NOW YOU WILL BE PUNISHED FOR YOUR CRIMES TO MY RAT BREDRIN!
The Death or rats laughed. DEATH waved his hand and Rincewind became RINSE (out) wind. The Death of Rats became DJ RATTY. Rinse-wind said ‘Peach! Now I can Rinse out some proper bad boy tunes!’
DEATH’s eyes lit up!
YOU CAN USE THE DISC AS A TURNTABLE! he said. The three of them bowled into outer space and DEATH said
NOW TINGS A RUN PORPER – RINSEWIND, COME FROM THE TOP-A
Rinse-wind played a storming set on the Disc-1210s. Just as a peach of a tune kicked in, DJ RATTY shouted
REWIND SELECTA – TAKE IT FROM THA HUB!
Rinse-wind wheeled back the tune and they all bopped till the early morn. A’Tuin died from all the bass notes coming from the huge subwoofers strapped to the luggage. Two-Flower asked Rinse-wind where ho got the hi-fi equipment from.
sold the elephant’s tusks to get ’nuff dollers and ting! CMOT got me some reefed gear! stolen from DEATHS basement! Sly old sod albert used to run a rave there once a month!
Rinse-wind played on and on, seemingly forever until he had rinsed all the tunes in his record bag. 49
Then Rinscewind woke up again,
“HUMANS HAVE SUCH STRANGE DREAMS.” said death to his small rat friend. 50
Then Rincewind woke up again.
“HUMANS HAVE SUCH STRANGE DREAMS.” Said Death to his small rat friend 51
Then Rincewind awoke a third time.
He felt absolutely relaxed.
A sword was being pressed against his throat, but this was such a familiar and comfortable position for him t hat he just lay back and smiled.
‘Wipe that grin off you grubby face!’ shouted Herrena. ‘Tethis, tie him up! We’ve got to get going.’ 52
As they were tying him up he was thinking “if this is another dream I’d like to wake up now!” 53
But of course if you can think enough to want to stop dreaming then your definitely not asleep. (ps. sorry about the repetition earlier, it didn’t come up the first time so I did it again) 54
And Rincewind awoke, still tied up, but in a very different place. 55
He found himself strapped to a bed. He looked to the left, and saw, through a window, a large sign projecting from the building. It read:
“House of negotiable affection”. There was a red light on the end.
He looked around, and he realised that this was not a bedroom. There was a large bath, with a shower curtain, and he saw several kitchen appliances, most notably a large stove. He saw a greatly curved silhouette, vaguely feminine. Rincewind thought again.
“I must be dreaming again” he decided. This time, however, he did not want to wake up. He noticed that the feminine form was getting out of the bath.
“Oh no, not you again” he groaned.
“Shut up. Be happy that you passed my test.” The woman that he met at the very beginning of this page was there, resplendent in all her radiant ugliness.
“Test? What test”
“You didn’t think that the grim squeaker could really get up your arse, did you?” The woman, if she could be called such, laughed. “You have a wild imagination. All you have just seen was an illusion, a test to see if you could cope with the mission I have for you.” She began to dress, much to Rincewind’s relief.
“Illusion? How did you…” Looking at all the strange apparatus, which looked notably like a corkscrew crossed with a sword, decided he didn’t want to know. “What mission?”
“You must go to the unseen university. The bursar has hidden a scroll of destructive power, which you will need to fulfill your mission. I cannot get it, as my powers are blocked by high radiances of octarine. Good luck.
And the next he knew, he was outside the UU. 56
He found himself strapped to a bed. He looked to the left, and saw, through a window, a large sign projecting from the building. It read:
“House of negotiable affection”. There was a red light on the end.
He looked around, and he realised that this was not a bedroom. There was a large bath, with a shower curtain, and he saw several kitchen appliances, most notably a large stove. He saw a greatly curved silhouette, vaguely feminine. Rincewind thought again.
“I must be dreaming again” he decided. This time, however, he did not want to wake up. He noticed that the feminine form was getting out of the bath.
“Oh no, not you again” he groaned.
“Shut up. Be happy that you passed my test.” The woman that he met at the very beginning of this page was there, resplendent in all her radiant ugliness.
“Test? What test”
“You didn’t think that the grim squeaker could really get up your arse, did you?” The woman, if she could be called such, laughed. “You have a wild imagination. All you have just seen was an illusion, a test to see if you could cope with the mission I have for you.” She began to dress, much to Rincewind’s relief.
“Illusion? How did you…” Looking at all the strange apparatus, which looked notably like a corkscrew crossed with a sword, decided he didn’t want to know. “What mission?”
“You must go to the unseen university. The bursar has hidden a scroll of destructive power, which you will need to fulfill your mission. I cannot get it, as my powers are blocked by high radiances of octarine. Good luck.
And the next he knew, he was outside the UU. 57
Rincewind said “My god I’m seeing double. Neil Troughton really pissed that up, didn’t he?” 58
Then Rincewind heard a strange noise coming from above. When he looked up, he saw the strangest sight. Flying gibbons!!
“Great! Monkeys! Could anything make less sense then this?” 59
Rincewind was really confused now. It started to rain. As he looked up, half a gibbon liver slammed into his face. It was raining monkey guts! Wiping his eye, he looked up to see metallic objects, glowing octarine, in the sky.
“Air mines!” he exclaimed, and ran into the university for cover. It was worse inside. Winged gibbons were flying through the air, and he only then noticed something very peculiar. They were wearing wizards robes! He was gaping at a gibbon which was dressed like the arch chancellor when he heard the voice.
HELLO AGAIN.
Rincewind whirled around. Death was there, attempting to put his scythe through all the gibbons as they died. He was failing.
BLOODY WIZARDS. WHY DO I HAVE TO SEE THEM ALL TO THEIR DEATHS? I’LL
HAVE A VERY SERIOUS WORD WITH THE GODS ABOUT THIS. ALL THESE WIZARDS DYING AT ONCE, IT’S JUST NOT FAIR. SOMEONE OUGHT TO COMPLAIN.
He noticed Rincewind. AH, JUST WHO I NEED. DON’T JUST STAND THERE LIKE SOMETHING THE KITTEN DID, HELP ME! He held out his sword to Rincewind.
“Er, isn’t that reserved for royalty, the sword?”
I THINK I CAN MAKE AN EXCEPTION. GET ON WITH IT!
“If it’s all the same to you, I’d rather not.”
OH, SUIT YOURSELF. SEE YOU LATER.
“I’d rather not that, either. Cheerio.” He dashed up the stairs towards the bursars room.
I’M SURE I’VE SEEN HIM BEFORE SOMEWHERE, BUT FOR THE LIFE OF ME I DON’T KNOW WHERE.
Rincewind tried the bursar’s door. It was one of the few doors in the Unseen University which had a knob on it, so he managed to enter. The bursar didn’t seem to be in the room. There was a book on the desk. Upon opening it, a crumpled scroll, glowing octarine, fell out. The book appeared to be the bursars diary. His eyes fell upon the final entry.
“At last, I have found the spell of pacification. I am not a wizard, but I hope to be able to pacify the meddling librarian, and return him to human form. He will then not be able to observe my works through his ability for mobility. I will then be able to create more mines, and then I will be able to, errrrr… well I’m sure the next person will think of something. I shall cast the spells, and freedom will be mine! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHH…..”
this continued for the rest of the book, as far as Rincewind could see, and he now knew why the bursar was thought mad. Anyone who writes their own laughter obviously has a serious mentality problem. He picked up the scroll, and looked upon the words. He instantly knew where to go next. 60
Rincewind: If anyone says that I wake up, they are in for serious beatings! I mean it! No-one messes with the mighty Rincewind and lives to tell the tale! I’ll set my luggage on you! Honestly! 61
Of course, the principle of the Luggage being set on anyone caused shivers to go through pretty much everyone’s mind, right the way to Granny Weatherwax, who was currently Borrowing the mind of Evil-Smelling Little Bastard, who had been formulating a way to find cold fusion. 62
Then there was a big explosion (I don’t know where it came from).
When rincewind awoke he was sitting in a corner. He could not remember anything. So could someone tell to Rincewind wath has happened?
63
The luggage then set about eating Peppi from the inside via a trans dimensional transporter, whilst Rincewind went into the library to acquire the book “Theories on converging planes” 64
He searched, and searched and searched…………………. 65
After taking a short nap.and awakening to a big bang the whole world
ended thus finishing this story righ here…….. 66
NOT REALLY!
BUT, WE HAD YOU GOING DIDN’T WE
RINCEWIND FOUND THE BOOK 67
Rincewind started reading
Rincewind: “GOSH, WELL I NEVER NEW THAT” 68
Gosh Well I Never Knew That !…..Fancy the same line appearing twice straight after one another…But it was a startling fact that thw world was really going to end at 15.00 hrs on Saturday 25th July.1998 69
After reading the book Rincewind rushed off to find the Arch Chancellor to seek his advice. As he got close to Ridcully’s bedroom door he could hear heavy snoring.
‘Of course’ thought Rincewind. ‘That isn’t the end of the world, it’s just Ridcully taking a nap after his afternoon ‘snack’!’
Rincewind reached forward to open the bedroom door when he realised that this was one of the rooms in the UU which did not have a door knob as Ridcully had temporarily ‘borrowed’ it to replace the one he had lost from the end of his staff several months before.
As Rincewind entered the Arch Chancellor’s room he noticed the librarian sitting quietly next to the bed.
‘Oook’ said the librarian softly. Rincewind nodded understandingly. It was a well known fact to Rincewind that the librarian could sense things before they were due to happen. Working close to someone especially in a strong magical field let you pick up on these things. And it was obvious that the librarian knew what was coming next… 70
Indeed he did, Rincewind, amongst other things, was going to say to the librarian
” 71
whahahahahahahahahahahahahahah i am a big fluffy leopard!!! 72
This making the libra rian think Rincewind was, well, even more stupid than he thought in the first place………… 73
ook then jumped up to the ceiling and shouted rincewind is a big fluffy leopard! 74
everything went dark and silent, then to their horror, they heard a very loud noise
it was ‘KU’ rising from the depths of the sea 75
Then Rincewind remembered that the arch chancellor was decorating the floor downstairs after being turned into a flying gibbon and colliding with an air mine. So Rincewind attempted to use the many books in the room to cast the spell of plane shifting, to find death’s house at the plane of death. He accidentally messed up, however, and ended up on the plane of chaos. 76
oh sh*t, why does this kind of thing always happen to me!!!!!!!!!!! 77
Rince-wind realized the mistake he’d made and tried the spell again. Unfortunately it backfired and he appeared on a distant planet, a round planet, EARTH! 78
Or on a planet that seemed amazingly like earth but where all left handed people were banned, which caused one or two problems when holding onto something in a storm whilst writing with the legitimate hand. (Not only were left handed people banned, but the use of the left hand was seen as something that was indeed the height of unfashionable ignorance) and would be punishable by forcing the lefty (for that was the name given to these ignorant beings) to run blindfold across a field of landmines whilst quoting sections from a book chosen at random from the unseen university library. If the lefty reached the other side of the landmine course… 79
Rincewind was fortunatly able to write with both hands.. so this was of no problem but.. The policemen of the world seemed to have uniforms with “US Postal Service” on them and carry around large black things.. They seemed to enjoy making loud noices and then suddenly many people dropped to the floor cluthing their stomachs and various other body parts.. Rincewind decided he didnt want to be near them when they next used the black things (Which his mind had called “Gonnes”) so he ran.. slowly at first but then speeding up until e came to….. 80
a bomb.
It exploded and blew him off that ridiculous planet and onto the REAL
Planet Earth. 81
Ah But It wasn`t reall Eath it was a massive nuclear bomb and he was killed instantly !!! 82
NO — that was a dream of the D.O.R — He wason the real planet Earth REALLY
— If anyone tries to take him off Earth I will personnaly MURDER THEM. 83
RINCEWIND WOKE UP IN HIS ROOM AT THE UNSEEN UNIVERSITY ON THE DISCWORLD, AND ALL THAT HAD HAPPENED IN THE PAST WAS A DREAM, HUH PLANET EARTH, WHERE THE HELL DID I GET THAT FROM.
I’M BORED, IT SEEMS SO LONG SINCE I’VE BEEN NEAR DEATH, OR IN AWKWARD POSITIONS WIOTH SOURCERERS, I THINK I’LL GO AND SEE MY GOOD FRIEND TWOFLOWER AT THE AGATEAN EMPIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 84
Unfortunately he fell down down a hole and landed ON PLANET EARTH — OR ELSE 85
And so the money grabbing skinflint got killed 86
OH NO, MY CHICKEN IS ON FIRE 87
mon anniversaire cest le quinze fevrier. 88
CHICKENS FOR TEA SHOUTED RINCEWIND! 89
After recovering from the confusion of the end of the world and his DREAM about a so called ‘Planet Earth’ – what a strange sounding place, fancy imaging a planet existing alone with out turtle-transport! Rincewind did indeed travel to the Agatean Empire to visit his good friend Two-Flower. After locating the luggage Rincewind went down to the Ankh Morpork docks and got on a boat and began his journey to the Agatean Empire. 90
Rincewind shouted ” I said CHICKENS FOR TEA! Why is no one listening to me?” 95
And so, having endured far to much strangeness over the past ten paragraphs,Rincewind did what his feet had been telling him all along, he ran.
Deftly tripping and falling past,through and around all seen(and unseen)dangers. At last he broke free,colappsing with nary a grunt he heard a voice say,”IS THERE EVER GOING TO BE A POINT TO THIS?” 96
That was himself speaking in terror and from this moment some of Rincewind’s mind suddenly stopped functioning, and that was what really collapsed. The physical wizard, or whatever, ran for his life and could not possibly be stopped. The trees gr ew darker and night kept closing in and suddenly the would be wizard could be stopped, by one especially dark and big oak tree. He fell down to the ground and stared at the sky being blackish wondering if this was heaven or hell or just death or….
After a while, or more exactly two or three hours, he realised that he probably still was alive and lying on his back feeling both black and bluish, and also quite confused. The tree above him looked like one very large and woodlike giant and moved slowly in the soft breeze. Different forest-dwelling creatures aproached him and sniffed his face now and then, but Rincewind just lay there fully aware of this, but totally unable to react. An old woman came close and wondered with a snappy voice what had happened, but still he couldn’t answer even with wink.
”A wizard heh?” said the woman, or maybe we should call her the old hag since that describes her a bit more accurately. ”Got any money then? I bet you do. I think we’re just taking you home for a nice meal, don’t you?” With that phrase she stopped talking, grabbed the wizard round the waist and flung him over the slightly sheepish-looking donkey standing next to her. 97
and then said, whoof, i could just drinke some orange juice 98
“Kalifornian orange juice, it tastes like shit.” But thats another matter. for the first time, Rincewind managed to get a good look at the hag, who was actually, a teenager with a scraggy beard, who pulled out a copy of “big issue” and said, “wanna buy a big issue mate?” Rincewind replied…..
“Voulez vous couché avec moi?” 99
“Bugger off,” said Rincewind, and woke up, in Glasgow, tied to a lamp post, with a killer hangover. Bloody hell, i could do with some alka-seltzer. thought rincewind. 100
Suddenly his head exploded.
When he came to he was on PLANET EARTH!!
101
Or a place as bleak and terrible. He had , through all this, came to the plane of death. TO CONTINUE THE PLOT he went and knocked on deaths door, to ask Death about the alteration of past reality. 102
Or a place as bleak and terrible. He had , through all this, came to the plane of death. TO CONTINUE THE PLOT he went and knocked on deaths door, to ask Death about the alteration of past reality. 103
Death answered ‘you must go to Planet Earth and gain the sacred jewels.’ 104
Rincewind was a little puzzled by that but didn’t want to argue with the master of lives, so he obediantely went away since he had nothing better to do. “How the **** should I go about doing that?!” he thought loudly to himself. 105
WHEN TO RINCEWIND’S SUPRISE, ALONG CAME THE LUGGAGE, WITH A SMALL NOTRE PINNED TO ITS LID, AND THE LUGGAGE WAS GROWLING. THE NOTE READ………………….. 106
“Please feed me, on sunny D, it’s the great stuff kids go for :)” What the hells sunny D thought Rincewind, all of a sudden the ground started shaking and a great big ravine opened up and out of it appeared…… 107
a capon (castrated chicken) that informed rincewind of what sunnyd whas then hopped on to the next flight to potato land. Then rincewind took the luggage apart, and remade him into a chicken with a removable head for your laundry………………….. 108
And Rincewind went to Earth.
(I like this idea and might write it into a future book!) 109
He never knew how he got there, but everything was very loud and very big and nothing at all like he was used to. In most ways it was a lot like Ankh-Morpork, but it lacked the overwhelming amount of dirt and slobbiness of his town of home. He kind of missed it a little though, it is always a bit difficult to lose something you’re used to, however unpleasant you think it is while you still have it.
What he most of all was not, was surprised, and he couldn’t feel any trace of fear near either. It was as if he’d been through such amounts of terror and stress the last few days that he no longer was
able to feel the utmost natural feeling anymore.
“Great!” he said to himself and started walking along what to him had to be a street of some sort, although it wasn’t covered in filth…
110
and then to his suprise, he saw some rather odd looking witches that appeared of a rather strange discworld nature, it was GW, NO, AND MAGRATT, and rincewind then shouted, shit, wheres that chicken with the removable head, and then a little piece of banana called popsi came along and said………………… 11 1
“wooble weeble watsit wanga” Rincewind stared at it and tried to talk, this turned out to be pointless as he just spoke nonsence. He looked round at the ground which didn’t seem to be as solid as usual and ws waving around most wildly. Rincewind though how unfair it was for the ground to have so little consideration for his ballance. At that point the bad part of instant intergalactic travel caught up with him and he passed out. (by the way, was that actualy the Terry Pratchet up there???) 112
AND THEN HE WAS SENT TO A PLACE NAMED LIVERPOOL, OR AT LEAST THAT’S WHT THE SOGN SAID………………….. 113
Rincewind wasn’t quite sure what this meant. Once he had ordered Liver in a Pool of gravy at the Unseen U (but then wished he hadn’t!)
He stood up with all his available effort and frowned. This place was different, very different. Suddenly, something knocked him sick. He didn’t know what it was but he had this sudden urge to throw up all over the place. 114
IT WAS THE SMELL OF, BURNING WOOOD, OH S**T, THE LUGGAGE/CHICKEN, WHATEVER IS BURNING……….. 115
Fortunatly, the luggage being made os sapient pearwood jumped into a river, to his surprise he sank! He was shocked and so was Rincewind, who stood standing there intrigued. 116
by the amount of floating wood that suddenly appeared, and decided to collect it, so rincewind went into the water, with the suprisingly soft bed, and collected ythe bed.
this took him a long time, and was very exhausting, so afther an hours rest, rincewind popped to the local shop, bought some glue, and made out of the remaining wood, a compasse, that………… 117
1 118
1 119
began spinning uncontrolably widdershins. 120
until…. 121
then strangely, a loadn of floppy discs came out of the sky with harry written on them, and people thought………. 122
that the colour purple was stylish 123
and then realised that it wasn’t purble, it was a mixture of yellow and black, and all the bananas turned blue, which caused…….. 124
him major madness he was so upset about the color not comming out purple he ran down to the market store and…… 125
“Oh my!!!! I’m naked!!!”
“I am naked as well!!!”
“Oh look!!! I too am naked!!”
“He is also naked!!!”
“And so is she!!”
And so they all sat and listened to Rancid. 126
At that point some naked man came up to them and said:
“Bannana? Onna Stick? Cuttin me own throat at these prices.” 127
….everything then went green, and the sky opened. Then a huge face came out of it and said….. 128
“Hello, El-Burro, this is god!” and Rincewind wondered who the hell El-Burro was, and why there were so many naked people about, perhaps i’ve fallen into a soft porn movie he thought to himself, when all of as sudden he saw…. 129
A big hairy…….. 130
Orangutan… 131
OUCH! 132
Hold on, hold on, thought Rincewind. This is all absolutely ridiculous. I’ve been through some pretty weird stuff before, but at least there’s always been some sort of point to it all…saving the disc from imminent danger, that sort of thing. Whereas this….what is going on?
‘Well,’ he said aloud, reasoning that madness was indeed a logical reaction to the recent events that had overtaken him, ‘that’s it. I’m not going to stand for this any more. All I’ve ever wanted in my life is somewhere warm and safe to sleep, a supply of pickled gherkins and some honest-to-goodness boredom. But no, I can’t even seem to have that, it’s got to be busy, busy, busy, all the time, excitement and danger around every corner, while all the other lucky sods get to be so bored they have to go on adventure weekends to brighten up their existence.’
He sat down and sulked for a short while, while the painful Orangutan swung around and ooked softly in his ear.
‘And you can bugger right off, too. I’ve had enough of orange hairy things bothering me. It’s no good looking at me like that, I have’t got any sodding bananas. Go on, push off.’
The Orangutan looked hurt but did indeed bugger off, leaving Rincewind on his own, feeling slightly better for having spread the misery around. The wizard took s tock of the situation.
Well, he reasoned, slilently now as normality returned, I’m not dead, having a working body and being seen by everyone is a dead giveaway, so all that business with Death was clearly some sort of joke. Come to think of it, everything that’s happened to me recently seems like some sort of giant practical joke. Chickens and spherical planets indeed. You’d think the Gods could come up with something a little believable. It’s no use thrusting your pawns into strange and dreadful situations for your own amusement if they’re going to guess, is it? Really. If Io and his cronies had one creative brain cell to rub together, being their equivalent of a court jester might actually be quite scary…
‘Well, that’s it,’ Rincewind shouted to the skies. ‘I’ve had enough of you taking advantage! I am not your rainy day game, to be brought out when the batteries have run out on all the good toys.’
Having had some experience of being the plaything of the Gods before, Rincewind had come to realise that in order to make them lose interest, you had to become very, very boring indeed. And then, rather like small children, they would quickly tire of you and find someone else to bother….and so Rincewind slept. And of course, he dreams….
There is a wing of the Unseen University which has recently been set up to examine the essentials of Dream Kinetics. Their extensive research has proved, once and for all, that the variety of your dremas has a direct correlation to your waking existence. Therefore if you lead a dull, boring existence, your dreams will too be dull and boring, whereas if you spend the greater part of you waking hours travelling the disc with things from other dimensions trying to suck out your brains, your dreams are likely to reflect this and be rather interesting also. This goes to show that there is, indeed, no rest for the wicked, but also no rest for those who have been, against their will, regularly thrust into dire and dreadful situations. Like Rincewind, here. Moreover, the Dream Kineticists have found (by forcing gerbils to run continuously in plastic wheels for their waking hours, thus subjecting them to levels of excitement no gerbil should have to bear)that if the excitement real life becomes too extreme, the dreamer can actually slip into his dreams, making them his reality until such a time that his physical surroundings are NOT SO STUPID AS TO BE RIDICULOUS (see above).
And so Rincewind sleeps, and dreams. Interesting dreams, for his has been an interesting life. And in he slips, escaping the foolishness of his current physical reality, and here he will stay until someone can think of something constructive to do with him in reality.
Rincewind dreams he is back at the Unseen University. Home,
sweet home. In his hand is a letter, addressed, strangely enough, to ‘Prince Rincewind, Unseen University’ He would think this strange, but he’s dreaming, and anything can happen in a dream. Having the self-preservation skills of a weasel, he is uncertain as to whether to open the missive, for he lived his life by the maxim ‘no news is good news, and news coming addressed to members of royalty who are allegedly also oneself can only mean excitement.’ Still, paying no heed to the maxim about felines, death, and not leaving things well alone, he slides his finger under the important-looking red seal and opens the letter.
MESSRs WANSLE, SPOD and DILBY (it read)
SOLICITORS TO THE CROWN
THE MOVEABLE KINGDOM
The Moveable Kingdom! Rincewind thought (having cunningly slipped into the perfect tense). Another place of Legend and Myth. Or rather, not a place, as such, for by definition, the Kingdom moved around. It was a vagrant of a realm, with no fixed abode, finding shelter wherever it could. As a result of being small, weak and yet disproportionally rich, the Kingdom, (when it had been the fixed-address Kingdom of Gothed, the Small Weak and Slightly Cross-Eyed King*), had suffered war upon war, from which they only emerged victorious because of the endeavours of Looselack, a native Sourcerer.
* King Gothed being a master of neither marketing nor military strategy
While Looselack lived, the kingdom was held safe, for no army could conquer his magic, and said armies would return to their realms in a variety of shapes, mostly with slimy skin and a tendency to eat flies. But as all things must, the Sourcerer knew one day he would die, and the Kingdom would fall. And so he placed a spell on the Kingdom so that it could avoid danger by moving from land to land. The Moveable Kingdom, Rincewind thought. All that money….what do they want with me? He read the rest of the letter.
Your Majesty, It is with great sadness and regret, yet regret and sadness tinged with joy and wonder, that we, your humble servants, Messrs Wansle, Spod and Dilby, write to you. (Or rather, that I, Messr Spod, write to you, for Messr Wansle is currently holidaying in the Klatchian Empir e and knows nothing of our troubles here in the Kingdom, and Messr Dilby is currently at lunch, being a great fat greedy pig who cares not for the future of the Kingdom at all, and if I were you I would see about sacking him as soon as you arrive, and heed him not when he tells you I am just jealous of his collection of miniature china dogs, for mine are actually a far better quality, the hue and patina of the glazes being far superior to his flithy mutts)I digress. We write to you on a matter of much urgency. Our illustrious King, Potaf the Unwily, Gods reast his soul, passed away recently leaving no heirs apparent, and, having searched through all the cupboards in the castle, no heirs unapparent either. Extensive examination of the family tree has indicated to us that you are one of three individuals who seems to have equal claim to the throne of the Moveable Kingdom. As such, you are all Princes of the Realm, but only one of you can become King (the others being eligible for a Generous Pension and a cottage in the castle grounds, ground rent payable, must have curtains and carpets professionally cleaned twice yearly). We would ask you, then, Your Majesty, to come to the kingdom to ascertain and verify your claim to the throne, with the other Princes. For your information, your competitors are 1) A certain CMOT Dibbler, also of Ankh-Morpork, and 2) A Gytha Ogg, of the Ramtop Mountains (whose gender is currently under discussion, but current consenus is that there well may be a Princess in the competition). The Kingdom will be stopping by Ankh-Morpork this afternoon to collect you, please be ready, with your personal possessions packed in a bag weighing not more than 20kgs (international flying Kingdom requirements state that you do not bring any flammables or explosives on board except those used for the lighting of dogends which can be carried
upon your person). I remain, sir, your most humble and willing servant, Millbury Spod
Well, well, well, thought Rincewind. How’s about that? 133
‘My word’ thought Rincewind. ‘This is all a bit much really. Here I was content to be quite boring and think about potatoes, when along
comes a Kingdom for me to inherit. I couldn’t possibly let Dibbler
have it…. Gods know he would probably make everyone eat those
horrible sausages and sell all the local goods to buy a bigger tray.
With wheels.’ Rincewind shuddered ‘mind you there might be something
good in this kingdom…’ Rincewind’s thoughts wandered, and , as usual
came to potatoes. Realisation swung his chloroform laced pillar at
Rincewind. There might be a rather lot of potatoes in the kingdom.
A moment later, there wasn’t much in the room except a vaccum being
filled with oxygen particles and the Luggage left in the lurch
andlooking quite perplexed.
(and then the nearest UU statue exploded.)
After the smoke had settled from the explosion, Mincemeat looked up and found himself in a whole new world….. Was he dreaming it ? or was everyone walking round with white sticks ?.
Rincewind had found himself in the land of YAVIC…… 135
and then everyone jumped onto the pavement on top of each other and started moving in a rather odd way humming Beethovens 5th symphony! 136
long after low and be hold who got wealthy but him,
137
Well, at that moment, the Gibbons came back to attack Rincewind. 69,000 gibbons shriek a horrible noosie that defend everybody in the area. Rincewind was ding a good job holding off the Gibbons, but soon after the inital attack, the Lord Gibbon strolled in.
“The Lord Gibbon,” thought Rincewind. “he is the worst enemy of mine yet! I think he could even beat Death.”
I HEARD THAT RINCEWIND
“Oops.”
LORD GIBBON, I OFFER TO FIGHT YOU ONE ON ONE. LOSE YOUR GIBBONS AND LETS GO.
The Lord Gibbon just snarled and said,”I have taken on Hell on the planet Earth and survived. I have utterly destroyed the Evil Chimp Overlord in the recent past. I will accept your challenge and show you how puny you really are.”
So Death and the Lord Gibbon started a battle that would take many many days to finish. Rincewind just barely survived the whole ordeal. 69 days after the fight started, the dust cleared. Rincewind looked in horror as Death lay on the ground motionless. The Lord Gibbon screamed in pure pleasure.
“This was just the beginning Rincewind. I will be back for you.”
Then the Lord Gibbon and his gibbons took off to where ever they came from. Death’s empty shell of a corpse(if it could be called a corpse)melted into the grond and Rincewind knew that was the end of Death.
Far,far away,Kancatchyur marched stodidly along on the barren dusty plains of the Howondaland Desert.Beh ind him,hundreds of grim determined soldiers stamped along the narrow dusty path.They fought like highly drilled mountain cats,ready to attack or defend at the will of their commmander.Their stubborn faces flickered and glowed in the blazing sun.Their expression firmly printed on their faces was one that radiated triumph.
The wave of warriors majestically tramped towards the looming building positioned on the arid land.It was deserted from civilisation,just a lonely dark hulk in the distance.It was a palace of splendour and wealth.Its stone walls shone like gold.The battlements sparkled,gleaming in the overhead sun.The huge oaken doors swung outward,the hinges giving off an agonised scream of torture after so many centuries of unuse.Cobwebs hung from it in great strands,giving an appearance that looked like a thin white cloth which had been cast over the twin doors.The collosal army plunged into its golden depths. 139
For Kancatchyur and his hoard had already mastered the art of Trans
plane transportation and were now headed on their way to a certain
University.
Rincewind stood in the lobby of UU looking and feeling equally
confused, but happy that the plot was returning. Those damn gibbons again. It was at that moment that a great wall of golden light erected its self right in front of him.
Kancatchyur and his men issued forth and proceeded to surround the
now damp robed ‘wizzard’.
“Prince Rincewind?”
This was definately one of those times when Rincewind felt that
anonimity was his best friend.
“Actually, er, no. That wouldn’t be me, no. Honest.”
Kancatchyur’s eyebrows arranged themselves into a complicaed scowl.
“Only, you fit the description perectly. For years we have been waiting for this moment. It is written in our Holy books. Prince
Rincewind recieves the letter about his claim to the thrown and we must come here to, er, give him a jolly good pat on the back. Yes,
that’s it. Congratulate him sort of thing. No hiddeous torture
involved. I never even thought about strapping you, naked, to a
flaming pyre and carving slices of flesh from your writhing body with a hot spoon soaked in irritant chemicals banned by even the most enthusiastic alchemists. Nope, not at all. Good thing really. Sorry,
did I say ‘you’? Silly me.”
Rincewind, now not totally happy with his present predicament thanked
his brain for not being so suicidally stupid as to reveal his true
identity.
“Sorry I couldn’t help you chaps” said Rincewind, “Must be off now
though. You know how it is, gibbons to avoid, luggage/chickens to
locate.” With that he turned on his heel and tried to leave the
immediate area as fast as he could while trying to appear as though
he wasn’t. Kancatchur followed him with his gaze and shouted after him
“Oh, Rincewind?”
“YE- Damn!”
And with that, the hoard of men acompanying Kancatchyur (who for some
previously unmentioned reason were all wearing interesting purple
tutus and hefty leather boots) ran after the now fleeting figure of
Rincewind out into the urban sprawl affectionately known as
Ankh Morpork. 140
“Wow-Wow sauce” the Arch-chancellor cried as the world stopped spinning.
“I bet Rincewind is behind all this” Cried the Dean.
“Just like that time with the Sourcerer!”
“I just remember the sound of those tiny feet” said the lecturer in recent runes
“and what about XXX?
The Arch chancellor was barmy!”
“One of Rincewind’s Relatives. No wonder the University was such a shambles!”Said the Dean
“Now now. I have respect for any other Arch-chancellor” Said Ridcully
“Especially one who has such a big tower”
“Now your just scared” Said the Dean
“Oh shut up and get me the necissary ingredient for the rite of Ash-kente. Were going to get to the bottom of this!” Boomed Ridcully. He was starting to enjoy this.
“Not the rite of Ash-kente!” Exclaimed Recent runes “You know that always makes us nervous”
“We sure as hell don’t want to draw HIS Attention to ourselves now do we?” Squeaked the Dean.
“oh shut up Dean! I’ve just about had enough of you!”Shouted Ridcully
“The great Hall one Hour!”
“Certainly sir! One pack of your finest Bee’s wax!”
“Exactly Bursar!” Said Ridcully 141
The wizards stumped off to find the ingredients for the Rite, trying desperately hard not to find the necessary elements that would summon Death.
“it doesn’t always work anyway” said the Bursar, “last time we tried to summon Him, he was on his summer holidays, and he was Not pleased”
“Ook Ook Ook”
“Thankyou for that comment, Librarian, but I would rather not be reminded that that was the year he chose to go to a nudist colony.”
“Well as long as Ridcully speaks to him, I’ve a funny feeling that He doesn’t like me much, every time he tries to kill me, he just doesn’t get the chance, and he’s always wanting me to take over from him when he goes on holiday, but that horse of his hates me, so I just think that I’ll go and have a nap”
Rincewind started to walk off, but the Dean grabbed him.
“No you don’t” he squeaked.
“You’ve got to get the candles”
“But every time I go to the shop, it moves.”
“THat’s the whole idea of a wandering shop.”
“Yes, but last time I was in there, buying a flamingo, I walked in in Psuedopolis Yard, and when I left, I was in Lancre.”
“Ook Ook Ook Ook?”
“Exactly, what DID you want withy a pink flamingo?”
“I’d better go get these candles, goodness is that the time? Got to go, need to find these candles, shall I get the three sticks as well? I’m sure I can get them from somewhere, in fact, why don’t I just get all the ingredients, you lot just sit here and enjoys yourself, back in two ticks.”
Rincewind sped off in the direction of the students entrance, as the Bursar pulled a deckchair and a cheese and onion sandwich out of his pocket.
“Well, that was pretty straightforward, much easier than I anticipated, I just hope that he gets runny candles, they’re so much more effective, they give such a nice atmosphere to the place.”
The Librarian grunted and loped off with the Dean to play a game of croquet in the garden.
142
“Sod off wizard”, said Truckle the uncivil. 143
and then, along came Tibus 1st, re-incarnated, and it was his intention to change things, but what? Tibus went to the library, and looked for a book named ‘je voudrais un orgasma’ however, he was, eating a chicken, and this displeased Tibus the great, so he turned ook into a glass eye, and left him on the desk, until he heard a knocking noise on a goldfish bowl somewhere in the klatchian empire. So, on the fifth count, Tibus walked into a toilet, and excreted. And that was the last that was ever heard of Tibus.
2 yrs l8r:
Tibus returned, with a parcel, a parcel containing lead. He put this lead on the roof of the best curry house in A.M., and then went to find a job at a barber shop. And then, along came a character named Guybrush, Guybrush Monopoly Board………. 144
Meanwhile, out in space, the Turtle had a nasty encounter with the Cosmic Chicken. Momentarily parts of Klatch and the Agatean Empire had skins on their coffee. 145
And the librarian ate a banana, which was blue instead of yellow
And the Librarian ate a blue banana. 147
Since blue bananas are marginally better than green bananas, he didn’t really mind.
The librarian would’nt exactly mind a normal yellow one, but since the yellow bananas where way over there, and the blue one in his hand.. He ate it anyway. Sooner or later somebody would bring him some yellow ones anyway. They always do…
It’s a little know secret, but blue bananas are rumored to have some mystic ability. The Librarian claimed to know, but he would not reveal the secret.
Blue Bananas are grown on the hidden high plains of Pto Karmai by some lost tribe of wizards or mystics.
Nobody are quite sure.. And Nobosy won’t tell… But he do tend to drop by the library to borrow some books..
148
In a land far far away just around the corner from the sweetshop foul ole ron stepped into the light, ‘buggr’it’ ‘millenium hand and shrimp i says din’t i’ ‘buggrem’ 149
Ron soon found he was in the company of death, ‘buggrit’. 150
“I ain’t no dead, am I? I din’t do nuthin'” Ron stuttered, and began to try and flee from Death. 151
to which Death replied, “I NEED YOUR HELP”
There had only been a few times in his life when anyone had ever wanted fole o’le rons help, and those times had been wanting his help to go away. But this time, someone actually needed him, and he felt a surge of pride. Before replying, “Buggrit.Someone always wants me. Buggrem.” 152
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